Saturday, September 3, 2005

I love Paris in the Springtime

I miss Paris Hilton. Not that I ever specifically sought her out in mags or the Net but in recent years she has been so ubiquitous that I really notice her absence now that she's (temporarily, I hope!) out of range. The last I heard she was engaged to another Paris, which was quite amusing in itself; Paris finding his Helen and what not. But I didn't count on her disappearing in the process.

I looked on Flickr tonight for a picture to use in this post and found one courtesy of Excaliburrom who has added some text to her t-shirt "If I only had a brain".

Indeed. Poor silly Paris. The girl who gets $200,000 to turn up to parties for 20 minutes. Who gets given a special section of Amazon to trade her (overpriced, unimaginative) jewellery from which she makes a fortune. Who has appeared in lots of movies and television programs, a sex video, published books, starred in a controversial hamburger commercial, launched a new perfume range... Who I personally blame for single-handedly creating the huge market in dumb designer dog accessories. And now even an album of music.

Not bad for an celebutante. Especially when she also remembered to trademark the term "That's hot!". She's so goddamn dumb you'd almost think her clever!

What I like most about Paris is her failure to feel the shame we would impose on her, her wanton disregard for our "good taste", her canny ability to make shitloads of money even though she doesn't need it. She's my po-mo queen, my tipping point moment in popular culture where fiction - meets - art - meets - truth - meets - plastic. And I feel mighty sorry for those sad morons out there who write this sort of drivel:
"... Stupid whores mascarading [sic*] as women, who were all once nice, like they should be. That's why men degrade and rape women. The women show all their skin except their n***les and v*****s, so if they basically ask for sex, men are gonna degrade them and treat them as worthless as they are. This f***ing ho is a good example - no, the ultimate example of that very topic. I think all men need to stand up and fight against women that act like this. Don't mean to sound sexist, but I'm serious. Look at the cover of this book .... "

From the Amazon review of "Confessions of an heiress"
(And I do recommend you do look at the cover. Simply scandalous. Someone call a policeman immediately!).

Yet have we ever heard a bitchy word from her familiar pout? Has she ever encouraged hate or sent us to war? Told us how we should live? Harmed anyone you know personally? No. The most we ever know about young Paris comes from either the exquisite dreck like the Amazon review quoted above or more journalistic reports of her shenanigans, such as this clip taken from her wikipedia entry:
Paris is often photographed with her teacup Chihuahua named Tinkerbell. According to Tinkerbell's memoirs The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries, she has been owned by Paris since October 31, 2002. However, in the summer of 2005 Hilton reportedly gave Tinkerbell to her mother, in favor of a smaller dog named Bambi after Tinkerbell had become too heavy.
Can you honestly read that without laughing? I can't. Paris Hilton has brought me more amusement than just about any other public figure in recent years and it's time I acknowledged it.

So I salute you, sweet Paris, at the dawn of this southern hempispheric Spring. May Aphrodite herself persuade you to resume your merry games very soon.

(*and if you're in any doubt about the life imitating art thing, consider the clever and unwitting pun made by the moron reviewer when he uses the term "mascarading" - hah! You couldn't script this stuff!)

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